If you have the authority to delegate what John works on you can do your best to keep them apart as much as possible. Im so mad on Johns behalf!! If they want to be called Nickie, call them Nickie. I would start formally documenting each and every instance of this occurrence, walk into Lizzys managers office with a folder the size of the Manhattan telephone directory, and say, Your choice. Also, even if this somehow wasnt trans-motivated (which it totally was), its still a dick move. This is disrespectful to John, it is confusing to everyone else, it is insubordination to me, and it is harassment that has to stop before she opens us up to legal action. Jeez, woman, get back in your own lane. Fire Lizzy AND the HR person!!! I really feel for you LW, this situation really sucks. Up the ante further: contact Elizabeths mother, find out all the embarrassing nick-names her family called her growing up. I think that John is going to have to bring in outsiders for OP to gain any traction. Im a mom with a gay dad, a bi niece, a gay nephew, a trans niece, and a trying to figure it all out daughter. Names MATTER. Or having something get dropped because people are trying to reach Sally, who doesnt work there? Review relevant nondiscrimination policies (link to other guide here) Advise coworkers about affirming employees and their transitions. Web13 questions managers must answer to support employees who come out as transgender or nonbinary in the workplace Tat Bellamy Walker Jul 7, 2020, 5:30 AM Updating names Youre calling her a bigot and either calling us timid or stupid or hoping that we are bigots too. Thats not misgendering anyone. Please keep us updated! It would be tremendously unfair for you to tell John he has to stop, while Lizzy gets to continue harassing him. His name is Robert Paulson. As a trans guy who is in the midst of a gender and name change at my somewhat conservative workplace, please let me offer my deepest gratitude to this manager advocating for John, to Alison for addressing the issue realistically and compassionately, and to all of you wonderful, thoughtful, and hilarious commenters. and your company hr sucks, and of course Elizabeth sucks more than anything. Tell Lizzys boss (and HR and anyone else affected) that Lizzys refusal to properly address John by his correct name is causing issues with projects and workflows. If its me and you go Oh hey, Sally- Sorry, John- and continue on, its fine. Doing anything less is a failure to do your job. I had a friend that started transitioning a few years ago. Theres no reason that calling John by his name would disrespect his mother. Not that his private self is any of her business!). Bullies have two modes Same here with the common nickname that makes my skin crawl (because its diminutive and condescending AF). The accountant then said but the E folders are yellow and the W folders are purple so how would that work. A coworker who calls out another coworker for bigotry should not be reprimanded because it goes beyond a managerial issue. Im not a racist, I have black friends. 2. my boss says she has the right to come by my house unannounced, employee wants cash because she missed a group lunch, teenage workers mom keeps contacting us, and more, bringing a heating pad to work, telling my boss I cant take work trips, and more. Signed, Sally doesnt work there. Result, no relationship. The HR person you spoke to was absurd (and, wild guess here, but probably pretty transphobic themselves). Keep up the pressure until he does his job. The middle name shortening that I use is common(enough that its often assumed that I do use the shortened form) and often I get addressed by it without telling anyone that I use it. To name a few, the famous actor Elliot Page came out as transgender and non-binary on December 1, 2020. Is there anything more I should do about Lizzy? A hard line against harassment, not because of legal repercussions but because its the right thing, will go a long way towards making your employees feel safer. trans Second of all, she was so insufferable that every single iteration of her class ended up with 3-9 people who hadnt dropped out by the final, no joke. Just coming in to say the same thing. Im personally incensed that this HR Dept doesnt recognize this behavior as harassment and creating a hostile work environment. All processes should be developed with participation and consent of transitioning employees. Right there with you. Jubilee and her twin, Eric. He kept a variant of his first name (think Harry rather than Henry), because it happened to match his mums grandads name. Eh. Anything else is transphobic and unacceptable. my employee came to work with Yeah. Like- abruptly- Lizzie, that behavior is not acceptable. And maybe walk her to HR. Its long and chewy, but might give you some ideas on how to frame this as Lizzies right to express her deeply held philosophical beliefs does not override Johns right to not be harassed. Its just not worth the toxic work environment where a staff member was absolutely allowed to harass me. Im one of them (its a common nickname for my legal name, but frankly makes no sense). But until you get that, just refuse to allow Lizzie to work with John. John might even be the name his parents would have given if theyd known he was male at birth! But Respeeect for his Mooooother But the fact that disciplining John is even a possibility suggests OPs thought process has been warped by the company. This isnt that. SERIOUSLY. They need to know they are at risk for being sued as a result of how they responde. (Also, OP should take this up the ladder until, as Alison said, its easier for them to discipline Elizabeth than to ignore OP because OP is justifiably in their face all the time.). Its surprising that this idiocy has gotten past Round One of being reported to HR AND the perpetrators boss. Though how much worse if he does have friction with his parents over it, and this is a constant reminder? WebFor help coming out as transgender or nonbinary, set up a support system beforehand. Courtesy of Shanie Lewison. Johns Mom. Your a human and thats ok. Just try to be there for her, and to accept her. Let the silence sit there and marinate. John has now started exclusively calling Lizzy Elizabeth; there is another Elizabeth in the office, and if theres any confusion over which Elizabeth hes talking about, John uses Lizzys maiden name, rather than her married name.. I wonder what Elizabeth would do when it came to a competition between respecting my mother and respecting my grandfather? Kevin Maxen has become the first male coach in a US mens professional sports league to come out as gay. I sense Lizzys endgame here make John crack and say something nasty to her in an attempt to get him fired, or at least given a stern warning. Push as far as you can and let John know you are supporting him. But dressing a wolf in a sheep costume doesnt fool anyone. 2. Finally, he apologized and agreed to pronounce her name correctly if she stopped. My best to you both. Seriously. I fail to see that it isnt targeted gender harrasment tbh. When I got there, he wasn't available. Such people do not deserve respect, since they cant give it themselves. Or maybe the way Icelanders name go Elizabeth Mothersdaughter? And finally, just call people whatever the hell they want to be called. Explain that youre requesting the meeting to discuss the need to protect the company and you personally from ongoing gender discrimination that a member of the companys staff is continually displaying against a member of your team, and that you need to talk through the liability implications of HRs decision to permit the discrimination and harassment to persist. Shedecided that upon her return, she would be using her new name, Sara*, and while her outward transition may take awhile, for all intents and purposes, she was a woman and we would treat her as such. out This HR person/department is doing just that. Johns mother might be bothered by it, who knows, but when John selected a new name he basically selected a new identity and said to the world this is who I am. I wonder if Lizzy is married and changed her last name to her husbands. Ive also been a bit thrown off in that Lizzy does use he/him pronouns for John, even while calling him Sally, which has made me give her a bit more benefit of the doubt about whether or not she really is transphobic. But this year, was the first time I had a matter to deal with where I could find no guidance. YES! Talk to your manager. Make a stink. Go up the chain. When I reached middle school, I decided to go by a nickname more obviously derived from my given name, and over the years, have tried out several other nicknames. She has also said that the comments have given her a better understanding of the seriousness of Elizabeths transgression that deadnaming John is openly bigoted and that she is going to a) tell Elizabeth that her conduct is transphobic and to stop it yesterday and b) check in with John to see how he wants OP to support him. Yeah. The company is legally liable. (Also, tho, I doubt she uses his proper pronouns either so it really does just fall apart). Occasionally someone will find out my birth name and use this information to tease me, even though (1) the fact that I dont use that name should be enough to indicate that I dont want to be called by it and (2) I explicitly ask them to stop. John is treating Elizabeth in exactly the standards she sets for herself. See! The issue is not respecting the change at all. Youre right in thinking that this is ultra transphobic, disgusting, and terrible. Theres no Sally on this team. Another option would be, You know its really rude and disrespectful to deadname someone, right? I was expecting this to be Lizzy has worked for years with Sally and is having trouble/being a jerk about changing to John. but this is infinitely worse. Not sure if you are reading this far into the comments, OP but when you ask Why are you continuing to do it? let that sentence stretch out and relax. Lizzy doesnt just have issues. I feel lucky. Not so gracious. But us oppressed folks get so tired of taking the right path. She sensed info that was none of her business was not shared with her, so she went looking Ill wager. I can swear in four languages. And also, for that matter, Johns mother, by claiming to speak for her without ever even having met her. I hope the next changes after Lizzys correction is that her boss is transitioned out and the HR department is turned over. Just to be Safe? It *does* say that; the problem is that this still implies that misgendering is an acceptable form of insult. So, trans concerns aside (which pains me b/c the transphobia is her real problem) is HR OK with Lizzy calling anyone anything she wants? She is clearly not being polite. This is a great point. welcoming to transgender and gender I want to be friends with John. McKinsey & Company Im hesitant to say that I know whats in someones true heart, but in Lizzys true heart she doesnt give a single care about moms and is just transphobic with a very transparent lie. Right? Over the top and not realistic, but very, very clear. Told him point blank Ew, Id never have picked that name for you. I was mildly regretful to lose the connection to the deceased friend for whom I had originally named them, but deeply touched that they went out of their way to choose a new name which had also, in its own way, come from us. Maybe he can troll her harder by producing a letter from his mother that certifies that she approves of his name, assuming shes still alive. And if your son comes out as trans, you need to mourn the loss of a daughter. However, I would still love to see her squirm after her flimsiest of fig leaves is taken from her. This is horrendous. One in five respondents had to come out multiple times a week, and one in ten said they had to come out on a daily basis. But Elizabeth should be put on a PIP or fired for her harassment. If I were Johns manager, I would tell my team not to engage with Lizzy when she refuses to call him by his correct name. Thank you for being kind to your students. Transgender in tech: More visibility but obstacles remain By not stopping this immediately they are also sending a message that coworkers can refuse to accept someones sexual identity, orientation, disability, or religion. When I taught, I would go down the rows and ask students for their names, which tended to elicit which Jennifers go by Jen and which by Jenny, or whether Robert goes by Rob or Bob. Theres no reason to feign innocence. Press Play. Names have meaning, and everyone gets to choose their preferred name. Also, is there anyone else in the company that goes by a nickname (ya know, other than Lizzy?)? I laughed hard at his comeback though its sad he has to have one. Oops! I hope every one of them stiffens when she refers to Sally, then corrects her in a pissy tone. I have a son named John. Hah I forgot theres also a wrestler named Sting! Wonder what other things people are getting harassed about that dont meet the threshold because the person doesnt say the right word. Note: I changed my name over a decade ago. Thanks for the perspective. 3) and of course as Allison advises continuing to try to see if there is a higher up who will acknowledge what a problem this is and make lizzy choose between treating coworkers respectfully or losing their job, if that is Lizzys hill to fire on. Transgender eff this company. You will also need to watch that she doesnt shift the harassment to a different mode; theres a lot of subtle things our highly-gender-segregated society would give her openings to do. I get the feeling that HR is just as bigoted as Elizabeth Maiden Name is. I have to think this is the preferred outcome of an HR this obtuse and cruel. These issues often intersect. So one of the prongs in a multi-pronged approach can be to point out that she is only hurting herself. Maybe ask John how he prefers you handle it too? (No, youre not concerned in the least, I KNOW that. It does. We have tried over the years to work only with clients who we can develop an honest relationship with. I do generally think that its a bad idea in the workplace to be petty to someone even if they started it and they deserve it, but given how badly Lizzy has been behaving, I really cant justify telling John to respect her preferences (especially since they are just preferences, unlike with his name). There is a PDF there with a summary and a video with detailed explanations, there is a graphical explanation there, etc. This is outrageous and your HR person and Lizzies manager suck. Depending on how Johns mom feels about her son, I would either want her to come down on Lizzy and tell her to back off, her son is John and thats what youll call him, or, if Johns mom was not supportive and horrible about this, John should tell Lizzy to back off and pound sand, there is no reason to respect that woman. The team was curious to see when Sarareturned whether she would be dressing differently, but other than that, it was business as usual. asking a new hire to go by her last name

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