The implicit becomes explicit. In doing so, the report is turned into a meaningful encounter. It just goes in one ear and out the other with you. Cycles are understood as being scripted by unmet attachment needs and attachment fears. _____ c. Regulate difficult and sometimes overwhelming emotions. The therapist finds it especially useful to track and reflect key moments with attachment significance. EFT has evolved in the last decade from a marginalized and little recognized approach into a mainstream model that is accepted by the American Psychological Association as empirically Becoming an Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist validated. A partners primary emotions. Boohoohoo. (she giggles) Exercise 25 part 2: In Step 5 of EFT, as engagement with underlying core emotions deepens, attachment theory tell us to expect that the process of therapy will extend to an existential level that addresses working models as to the nature of others, the connection to others, and the value of the self. As he talks he shifts the conversation from his fear in the relationship to his fear that Sharon will make poor financial decisions and that he cant rely on her at this point. You say you are going to come home and you work every night and through the weekend and you blame it on me? _____ 10. The couple is generally better able to address the issues in their relationship and display lower reactivity as a result of the greater security between them. Emotionally focused family therapy: Children in therapy. Both of you are keeping the cycle at bay nicely. Clarifies and formulates new meanings related to the strategies that prevent emotional engagement with partner and self. 4. Stage 1: Alliance, Assessment, and Cycles 5. _____ b. EFT fits with recent research on the nature of marital distress and satisfaction within the developing science of personal relationships. This has the effect of experientially preparing the couple for what is next without creating an interpretive or skillsbuilding context. Accessing primary emotions enables a person to: Bring new meaning to understanding a partners behavior. If the therapist is accurately following the client, understanding and accepting, the client then is: Reassured: My feelings actually make sense to this person. Comforted: The client can maintain a working distance from the emotion and not become overwhelmed. The Tango moves organize a repetitive process with different levels of intensity that guide the entire process of change. 2. b. Choose the EFT response below that best accomplishes this. ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ Example: Therapist: And Don, you come toward her wanting an explanation, right? NewYork: Guilford. I really doubt myself and I doubt that you will even want me if I show this weak and scared part of me to you. Working through this workbook should then focus your learning process further and help you integrate EFT with your personal style. _____ c. Validate and empathize with each clients present ways of seeing and dealing with distress and insecurity in the relationship. 335 APPENDIX D1 UNDERSTANDING YOUR NEGATIVE CYCLE Couples get caught in negative cycles. A cycle is a repeating pattern of negative behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that causes distress. The Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy, (Third Ed. You can get the md5 from the URL, e.g.https://annas-archive.org/md5/cf6f40039ec25d4a5363f6072c52a11e. For example, while focusing on the numb experience of a withdrawn husband, the therapist will explore the experience of his wife as she learns more about this numbing. The usual number of sessions in EFT studies and in EFT clinical practice are: (two correct answers). What type of intervention might help make the impasse explicit? (2022) 2022. Shawn describes his grandfather as the one person in his life he has always trusted and turned for support. Couples therapy that focuses on emotion regulation and integration and on the creation of such secure emotional engagement can then be a primary intervention. 3. Did they resolve arguments and become close again? When they entered therapy, Fresca was depressed and discouraged. Is it like I have given up. All I see is more of the samejust more and more examples of things not changing. Kind of used to putting them to one side. Where are they in the steps of EFT? d. Bodily cues indicative of affect. I hear you saying that you are hearing from her that she is scared of disappointing you and withdraws, but that you do want her to talk, that sometimes you are so anxious to be close and to talk to her that you get pushy and scare her away that you end up feeling helpless and stuck. Like weve said in here, I just protect myself by staying away. Therapist: Right, right. 24.) But I want to change the future. This gives partners a chance to anticipate the enactment directives without immediately responding to them. So what is happening for you as you talk about this? Defensive strategies: the need for selfprotection from partner. So there was nothing for it but to shut downshut the feeling down, to try to minimize it, control it? In an accessible resource for training and supervision, seven expert therapists lead the reader through the nine essential steps of EFT with explicit intervention . An emotionally focused approach to infidelity. Secure attachment is characterized by confidence in the connection with the loved one, resulting in the ability to modulate distress on separation; to acknowledge and give clear, unambiguous signals about attachment needs and to reach for and make reassuring contact with an attachment figure; and then, once reassured, to return to exploration of the environment. That your anger is your way of dealing with the fear and in your loneliness; you are desperate to tell her its okay, that you want to be with her. Exercise 35. You sound a little disappointed. Fernando: Well, actually, I dont want to sound angry with Inez. (directs an anxious look at Inez who is looking down at her fingers) But quite frankly, it seems to me like (turns to Inez) do you really have any desire for us to get close? Inez: What do you mean? Fernando: Well, you knowYouve been avoiding me again. Inez: (continues to study her fingers) Ive just been busy. Fernando: (Fernando angrily takes the cushion behind him and drops it on the floor.) What changes have you both made to make this possible? 2. These patterns define how the self, other, and relationship are experienced at any point in time. _____ e. A focus on the pathology of particular ways of responding and how they pull for negative reactions. Fernando: Yes, I get anxious inside, and then shes in my face, you know? Randy was playful, teasing his brother and did not communicate directly about the family difficulties, instead laughing and 298 Becoming an Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist making distracting comments to the therapists inquiries. I cant tell you anything! My guess is she faced your anger. A staple of EFT theory is that when safety and nurturance are established in a relationship, each partners often untapped attachment reservoirs of deep caring for the other spring forth. Exercise 5. A recent metaanalysis of the best studies found 7073% of couples to be recovered from marital distress and 90% of couples to have significantly improved. This type of intervention will only have power if the clients become emotionally engaged in the process (Johnson, 2004). Am I walking around in the emotional lives of the clients (i.e., Do I really have an understanding of the deep, primary emotional experiences of each client?) Attitudes to and research on key elements of EFT, namely emotion and adult attachment, have changed and grown, as has the recognition of the need for empirical validation of interventions. How might the therapist deepen and distill the attachment significance of this? Observational windows to intimacy processes in marriage. To an observer watching an EFT initial assessment session, the therapists work may seem effortless. How is emotion contained; for example, in a flashback that occurs in a session? But also, I seem to be hearing a sense of loneliness from you? _____ c. Who does what at home after something like this is said? _____ d. Your fear of her rejection is huge, like you said though; you show her your anger. _____ 2. Language should be simple, concrete, and vivid, for example, shut down, shut out. Take the client words or phrases below and make them more vivid. Therapist Reflections Maria seemed to put a lot of pressure on herself to achieve what a Christian feminist woman should. While her goals and standards seemed noble indeed, they had a tendency to overwhelm her, leaving her feeling sad and inept as a woman, wife, and professional. Intervention in EFT 239 Exercise 6: Think over the last month or so and reflect on the times when you experienced each of the following emotions. Mom reacts to daughters autonomous behavior with anxiety expressed as disapproval and criticism to which the daughter reacts with anger and withdrawal (wont confide in mother.) (Yes/No) _____ How is it systemic? _____ d. A caretaking contract in the case of need. To enable a therapist to reflect on negative experience of a couples cycle without making these specific to the couple 3. Therapist: I get the idea it is very hard for you when she is so angry. This second edition of Becoming an Emotionally Focused Therapist: The Workbook has been fully revised by expert therapists with advances in attachment science and emotionally focused therapy (EFT) practice, the integration of the "EFT Tango"--a guide to the EFT process--and new chapters on working with both individuals and families. You have both found a way to make sure the other knows that you are in this together. Exercise 24. I sometimes fear that you really dont love me, or that you may leave. I do want that connection too. It is critical for the therapist to pay attention to all of these levels of process and to be open to the uniqueness of every individual and every relationship. The withdrawn partner is reengaging the relationship and has been more forthcoming with his needs and hopes for the relationship. When she did come home she didnt even notice the candles. Inez: (giggles) Come on Fernando. Help couples through the therapist modeling empathic understanding c. Teach couples the reasons certain emotional responses are appropriate d. Encourage appropriate dependency of a client on a therapist 252 Becoming an Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist Exercise 23: Practice Forming Validation Statements After Leos affair, Lisa found it difficult to not check up on Leo if he was late in returning home. How did you do that? The therapist should remain mindful of the common characteristics of a secure marital attachment narrative (Dickstein, 2004) while helping the couple construct this story. Minimal engagement in defensiveness while discussing negative aspects or problem areas in their relationship. Janes response to Inez stems from her awareness of all these factors and her ability to step across into Inez world to connect with her experience. Be vigilant and readily interpret partners behaviors as a threat. Ex. 1. c 2. d 3. a. When clients perceive the therapist as real, accessible, and responsive in a very genuine way, they are more able to trust the therapeutic alliance and thus the therapeutic process. Redirect partner to share directly with their partner, rather than through the therapist. I notice you swallow, there are tears, but its hard for you to just let them show? _____ l. Can we put the feelings aside? Sad. (Eds.). Identifying the cycle helps the couple recognize the self-reinforcing pattern which provides a basis for engaging the primary emotions underlying this patterned behavior and placing it into an attachment frame. _____ j. He had listened to his own jealousies and got caught in the fear that she must have wanted the rapist to make love to her. And you left me there. Reaching for the comfort and caring of a significant other. With the therapists direction, the family was able to have some discussion of when they felt close to one another, which they identified as being primarily at holiday time and on special occasions. Clearly and explicitly owning a stance of non-acceptance often results in a shift to more acceptance. And I feel even more alone, like when you said, afterwards, in the hospital that you didnt even believe I was raped! It is helpful in this sharing to facilitate how the couple can address these concerns on an ongoing basis. T. Leanne Campbell, Ph.D., is a registered psychologist and co-director of the Vancouver Island Centre for EFT and Campbell & Fairweather Psychology and isan honorary research associate of Vancouver Island University. Make the impasse explicit. Try to step across into Geralds world. Let us keep emotion at the forefront: A reply to Roberts and Koval. Johnson, S. M. & Denton, W. (2002). I get exasperated when he just sits there. I dont want him to see me like this. _____ 4. Each reported that they could not count on the other for emotional reassurance or trust, and that it was too risky to go there. Their cycle on a secondary level saw Marcus getting frustrated at Fresca and raising his voice. Youre not used to seeing this part of Jon that is afraid of losing you, that longs for you. Example: Alex says: Well, Id love to go back to Greece for a holiday, but I would never make a decision like that. CONFESSIONS OF AN EFT THERAPIST.. 311 vi Contents APPENDIX A: EFT RESOURCES. 327 APPENDIX B: HELPING YOURSELF LEARN EFT FOR COUPLES. 333 APPENDIX C: BEGINNING AN EFT COUPLE SESSION: A CHECKLIST 335 APPENDIX D1: UNDERSTANDING YOUR NEGATIVE CYCLE 337 APPENDIX D2: WHEN WERE NOT GETTING ALONG: FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, AND BEHAVIORS. 339 APPENDIX E: EFT ASSESSMENT FORM.. 341 APPENDIX F: HOMEWORK FOR COUPLES. 343 APPENDIX G: EFT TRAINING NOTE FORM.. 345 Answer Section 347 References.. 393 About the Authors. 395 Index. 397 PREFACE This workbook is designed to help therapists and counselors use the emotionally focused perspective and interventions to transform couple and family relationships. 1. Hurt. NewYork:Guilford. b. An invaluable tool for clinicians and students, Becoming an Emotionally Focused Therapist: The Workbook takes the reader on an adventure - the quest to become a competent, confident, and passionate couple and family therapist. As the therapist reflects Janets primary emotion Janets tears turn to sobs, and patiently the therapist responds: So, its really tough to not get a response, not only because it makes you angry, but also because you feel alone in this relationship, like there is no one here for you. _____ Theoretical Background to EFT 21 Exercise 6: See if you can think of a client who might be described as avoidantly attached and see if these descriptions might fit his or her responses. _____ b. (more than one correct answer) a. That is quite remarkable. Exercise 14. They are also ideally close to the clients experience, just one step further than the clients formulations. _____ e. They are moments of abandonment, where a spouse fails to respond at a moment of urgent need._____ f. They are not defined by a set of content features, but by their attachment significance. Iknow we can connect, even when things go wrong. _____ f. Before, I used to just shut down and hide. If you were to put words to your silence what would they say? _____ b. ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ 2. 4. I need your reassurance that you love me, and that I am not inept. ____________ Three Types ofEnactments 6 Enacting present positions so thatthey may be directly experienced andexpanded. I will listen, and I will love it when you open up all of you to me. But it looks like there needs to be this one more step. (1973). 2. I wonder if this fear tells you that you had better not open up to him. In general, experiential approaches take the position that we are formed and transformed by our relationships with others. Interventions are designed to define the family as a safe haven and the cushion family members need to feel secure and connected. b. Draw an arrow to indicate whether the persons position typically involves pursuit or withdraw. You are covering your face, it is like you dont want him to see you? I once again dont measure up. You then quickly move into defending or lashing out. Intervention in EFT 249 Exercise 19: Respond to the statement above using the questions below. _____ Theoretical Background to EFT 33 8. ___________ ____________________________________________________________________________ 3. That wont be easy. Therapist: I hear you. But, I am afraid of that. He is contributing author of Emotional Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies, The Emotionally Focused Casebook, and Becoming an Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist. Often the difference between an experienced EFT therapist and a novice therapist is not the interventions used, but rather that the more experienced therapists go more slowly, repeat themselves, and circle again and again through the same territory until clients can hold a tangible new emotional reality in their hands. 6. Health is openness and engagement. d. Directing partners to share their relationship fears with one another. The rational side of me knows that we are just arguing, but there is another part of me, a bigger part, that is scared. 5. Primary emotion and metaphor: afraid that you wont understand and will get mad, feel like a helpless little puppy dog, fear that you really dont love me, fear that you may leave, tired of being afraid and feeling helpless, sometimes feel like I am not being the husband I want to be and that hurts me, tired of running. Examples: So what is it like for you when Mark turns away and wont give you eye contact? After a period of silence the therapist asks the silent partner, What is going on for you now? In response to a withdrawn partner now engaging their pursuing partner, What is it like for you to have him respond this way? Phil, how does it feel when your wife says to you that shes afraid shes not special enough? When a baby is born and the couple system and the parental system compete. These roadblocks can erode hope, one of the most powerful forces to fuel change. Choose all options that could apply. So can you tell her that? To open up to her like that? Jon: (nods) Therapist: Yeah, its kind of scary to share this with her. Suitable as a companion volume to The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy or as a standalone learning tool, it provides an easy road-map toward mastering the ins and outs of EFT with practice exercises, review questions, and compelling clinical examples. In terms of descriptions of marital distress and satisfaction, the experiential foci of EFTemotions and interactional patterns, such as criticize/distancefit with recent research. Its the only thing Ican do. Therapist: I am wondering, Frances, if you could try and talk to Ingrid about this now. These cycles are multimove cycles that often occur in traumasurvivor couples where both anxiety and avoidance are high, resulting in more complicated sequences of steps. I asked you to hold me, but you didnt. Frankly, it confuses me why she responds this way and I dont know how to make it better, or to convince her otherwise. 6. You both show that you are concerned and new possibilities emerge. The most typical cycle is the pursue/withdraw (or demand/distance) pattern. The key objective here is to tap into Rosalitas experience of hearing Jons attachmentrelated affect and wants/needs. The therapist must be prepared to respond to any reaction presented by accepting, validating, and putting it in the context of the cycle and of attachment needs. ), Handbook of attachment interventions (pp. (Brief summary of blamers cycle and underlying emotion.) These interventions help the couple to externalize the problem so that the cycle becomes the focus rather than either partner. If you wish to take the theory and make it more personal to your own life, the exercises below are offered to help you begin to do that. The anger he shows when she attacks him is the secondary or reactive emotion. In Step 8, the therapist supports the emergence of new solutions to past problems. Organizing different aspects of clients experience into a whole. 3. Johnson, S., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (1999). Heightening in this step occurs within the very specific attachment context of promoting the two change events: withdrawer engagement and blamer softening. I need you to try to stop attacking me so quickly and loudly. So you close that part of your world off. Why not be nice to people? Therapist: Right, for you its difficult Attempt to enter Inez experience. (sample answer) I was wonderingWhen you start to feel really upset over this Tom, when you start getting scared that Rebecca really doesnt believe in you, or fear that she really doesnt want to see this relationship work, do you ever turn to her and say, Rebecca, I am starting to get really scared right now. Focusing attention and priming and organizing appropriate action responses. And I am tired of being afraid and feeling helpless. In the case of a reactive cycle, the therapist works with the cycle presented in the session, but the fact that the pattern is recent and evolved from a far different longterm cycle provides an important part of the clients history and must be kept in mind by the therapist. You push your wife to show desire for you, and she then moves away, and you end up feeling more unsure than ever that you matter to her, so you push again. The anger and the talk about you should be independent is there, but there is also so much hurt, and feeling that, perhapsperhaps when you need Colin, you will find yourself alone like before? _____ k. What happens to you, Harriet, as you say this? I get a bit shaky, you know? If you would like to replace it with a different purchasing option please remove the current eBook option from your cart. Fear, helplessness, vulnerability, loss, and failure, which links into shame about the self, are apparent here. 5. Stressful conditions in the environment or life transitions/challenges, such as parenthood, that increase attachment needs. I am not sure what its like for you, because your situation may be different. 360 Becoming an Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist Exercise 36. How can we have a marriage when you are never around and I cant believe anything you say? Ruben: I am sick and tired of you complaining. There are three perspectives that inform how the EFT therapist frames a couples interactional pattern. Unprecedented in its novel and interactive approach, this is a must-have for all therapists searching for lasting and efficient results in couple therapy. this is a must-read. When you talked about the intensity of his anger and the effect that has on you, I dont think I fully understand that. Maria: Well, when he gets angry its just really scary for me. Choose the best restructuring interaction from the list below. And I am tired of being afraid and feeling helpless. (Note: Jon is sharing his attachment fears.) The cycle becomes a reactive pursue/withdraw cycle with Fernando pursuing Inez. Check the responses that help to make his experience more concrete, specific, immediate, and tangible. All behavior has a communicative aspect. This book is designed by seven practicing EFT therapistswho still learn from every couple they seeto help the reader engage in that learning process.

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